When Spouses Retire at Different Times, Tensions Break Out

When Lydia Sheckels’ husband lost his civil-service job at age 57 in 2006, he opted to retire rather than look for another job in his environmental-engineering field.

She urged him to reconsider retirement because the couple had taken out loans to finance home maintenance projects and to pay for their daughter’s college costs. He had no interest in working. Sheckels, then 53, became the sole earner and had to finish building their retirement savings on her own.

Sheckels, a senior financial advisor at Wescott Financial Advisory Group in Philadelphia, says she was angry with his decision for a long time. She came to realize while her work was a passion, her husband had lost his joy in working years before he retired. He took on new roles in retirement, handling all the household duties and helping their children when grandchildren came.

“Things may not be what you expected them to be, but you find ways to make them better. I learned that his flexibility was a gift—he took over all the errands,” Sheckels says, who at 71 is now planning to retire at year’s end.

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Staggered retirements can strain couples’ relationships. Sometimes the person who is still working resents the need to go into the office, other times the person who has retired may feel lonely or ignored. The key to getting through this sometimes-rocky road is having a purpose and being aligned on goals, say couples who have been there and financial advisors.

Although people may say they can’t wait to retire, couples don’t often talk about this new chapter in their lives when the time comes, says Ken Mahoney, CEO of Mahoney Asset Management. “They really don’t have a plan. They fall into it, right, wrong or indifferent.”

Layoffs or ill health can accelerate retirement decisions and affect financial planning, but even if the couple agrees that one person will continue working, exploring what each partner wants out of life is still critical. 

Monish Verma, founder and chief investment officer of Vardhan Wealth Management, says couples who align their goals help him map out their financial needs for when they are both are ready to retire.

“A lot of times people know they want to retire, but they don’t know what that really means to them,” he says.

Why do spouses decide to retire at different times? Some people love their jobs, while others continue to work for access to employee-sponsored healthcare or to shore up finances. 

Verma frequently asks the working spouse if he or she is still happy with their job. If the working spouse is beginning to dread going into the office, he will update cash flow and expense models that demonstrate how the couple can manage financially and fund medical expenses until both can access Medicare. If needed, he will suggest changes, including finding other work or cutting expenses.

Jen Staben, a financial advisor at Prime Capital Financial, says the first year when someone retires can be a struggle as he or she establishes a new routine and a new identity outside of work. She recommends retirees take at least six months to adjust. 

Staben is working with a couple in which the retired husband was the high earner in the relationship, and his wife, a teacher, continues to work. Although she can afford to retire as well, she wants to earn enough service credits to qualify for additional healthcare benefits for them in retirement. “They’re at two different places in their life,” Staben says.

Retiring first can also bring up deep-seated worries that the couple needs to address. Dr. Surekha Rao of suburban Detroit retired from being a radiologist in 2017 at age 70, in part at her husband’s urging because her job had turned stressful. It took her two years to enjoy retirement because she was wondering if she was wasting her talent by not working, but a bigger worry was losing the second paycheck. 

Seven years later, she still has nagging feelings that she should have worked and saved more. “I’m not short on anything. I [have a] comfortable life. But you always feel that,” she says.

Those worries stemmed from money mistakes her husband made earlier, mistakes he didn’t admit to at first. Verma helped the Raos feel at ease with their assets, and the couple is aligned on a financial plan. Her husband retired at age 78 in 2021.

“Now we are on the same page. We don’t hide anything. But yes, there was conflict,” she says.

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