I'm updating my will. Should I leave money to a child who doesn't need it and doesn't like me?

Dear For Love & Money,

I am updating my will. My retirement account contains a few hundred thousand dollars (differing depending on my needs as I grow older). I paid off my modest house, and I live frugally.

I set up small trusts for two grandchildren, but I have two children who hate each other. One of them has been clean for five years after dealing with substance abuse for 20 years, taking years off my life, and they live with me now. My other child has benefited from my ex-husband and his business. This child has been given millions in company stock.

My other child has done nothing to help me and rarely acknowledges me except to berate me about their sibling. However, they've asked for a bequest in my will.

My child who lives with me will not inherit anything from their father as punishment for previous sins. They have complex health issues, including a traumatic brain injury. They are a single parent, working menial jobs to support their child while helping to maintain my home. They live with me free of charge, I serve as a parental figure to their child, and I provide transportation for all their needs.

I love my children, but I don't necessarily always like them. I hate my situation, but I want to do what is right. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Disappointed Parent

Dear Disappointed,

In recent editions of For Love & Money, I've responded to letters from adult children whose parents have underlined their black sheep status in their estate plan. I love your letter because it shows there's always another side to the story. We all feel our choices are righteous or at least justified, which is why we make them to begin with. This is why it's important to lead with compassionate curiosity.

I'd like to begin there myself. As the mother of young children, future addiction is one of my greatest fears. You've lived this nightmare. I imagine you fought, and you prayed; you spent a lot of money, and you sat in a lot of hospital rooms. You had years of sleepless nights, and finally, something worked. They got clean, and they've remained so for five years.

Your kid made it through, but some wounds are so deep they leave scars. Scars that look like a father cutting their child out of a will, broken relationships with siblings, lifelong medical issues, and a mother who will do anything to keep the other shoe from dropping.

Despite what your ex-husband and your other child might say, you aren't enabling your child by continuing to help them. You are helping them stay clean and helping your grandchildren have the life they deserve. Your kid was drowning, and you let them climb onto your raft.

But you have two kids.

There are only a few hills I'm willing to die on, and one will always be that parents owe their children unconditional love. Period. No one else in the world owes them this. Not a spouse, sibling, friend, or even their children are obligated to love them without qualification. But when you have a child, you're making a commitment — yes, I'm bringing a human being into this scary world, but only because I promise they will always have my love to protect them.

You're right, love and like are different emotions, and it doesn't sound like your kid has tried to be likable in recent years. Looking at the timeline of your story, though, I think I may know why. You mentioned your child struggled with addiction for 20 years, which, adding their years of sobriety, means this has wrecked your family for decades.

Your ex-husband focused his attention and care on one child and you on the other. For their part, the siblings "hate each other." You mentioned how your child's addiction issues took years off your life, but your larger family dynamic tells me that it also broke your family in half.

Imagine how your other child felt during this breakdown. My guess is left out and overlooked. At best, held up as a flimsy poster child for their unfortunate sibling and, at worst, forgotten in the ceaseless drama of rehab facilities, hospital stays, and sleepless nights. You said the only time they talk to you is to scold you about their sibling; that sounds to me like they're angry at you, and they want you to know why.

This isn't to say you should appease them by abandoning your other child, financially or otherwise. But you should recognize that while love and like are different emotions, those on the receiving end experience them exactly the same. One of your kids needs money. The other does not. But both of them need and deserve your love.

There are ways to honor both of your children. Keep doing what you're doing for the child who lives with you. Understanding their financial needs will likely outlive you, plan for this in practical ways, like making them the beneficiary of your life insurance and leaving them the house you both live in. Setting up trusts for their children was an excellent example of this. By taking things like future tuition fees and wedding costs off their plate, you have set them up for financial independence even when you're gone.

Your other child has millions in company stock, which means giving them half of whatever is left in your retirement account is little more than a gesture, but no matter how they may treat you, it's a gesture they will appreciate. It's a final way of saying, "I know I spent most of my time, emotional energy, and resources on your sibling. To save their life, I'd do it again, and I'd have done the same for you if you needed me to. But you never did. Thank you. I love you."

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money