Here to Help: How to Make End-of-Life Planning Less Stressful

I recently hosted a strange family gathering: an end-of-life lunch. It was my sister Dinah’s idea. She had been saying for months it was time to discuss my parents’ final wishes while they were still able to weigh in. But I kept putting off the conversation. Who wants to think about that?

Fewer than one third of U.S. residents have advanced-care directives or detailed medical instructions in the event they can’t communicate their wishes. I pushed past my reluctance and invited the family over to talk about everything from my parents’ positions on resuscitation and funeral plans to who’ll take their cats. Here’s how to get your own discussion started.

SCHEDULE A CONVERSATION. First, ask your relatives if they’re open to a family meeting and then set a date. If you need a conversation starter, Mirnova Ceide, an associate professor of geriatric psychiatry and geriatrics at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, suggested bringing up a news story about dementia. “You can say, ‘This got me thinking about how important it is for us to talk about these issues now,’” she said. If you are the older relative, consider initiating the family meeting yourself.

GET REFLECTIVE. Our family had a long talk about how my parents would like to spend their remaining years. Alua Arthur, an end-of-life doula, suggested asking: What is still undone in your life? “Because that helps you figure out where you want to place your time and energy,” she said.

CONSIDER REGULAR CHECK-INS. End-of-life care is likely too big a topic to resolve in one meeting. Dr. Ceide suggested families have regular conference calls to check in, which can help get everyone on the same page.