Fiona Cowood
July 16, 2024
Teaching children to navigate the online world is a key part of modern parenting. In this Q&A, experts pass on tips to make it feel less overwhelming.
Photograph: Catherine Falls Commercial/Getty Images
Nearly all (98%) 12- to 15-year-olds will own a mobile phone, as most families seem to think that the start of secondary school is an appropriate age for a first device. This means they have more direct access to information and social connection than any previous generation. However, without guidance and a few ground rules, children can struggle to limit their screen time, and even find themselves open to harmful content and abuse. So how can we keep our children safe, and help parents stop phones, devices and social media from becoming a family battleground? We asked two experts to answer some common questions and share their best advice.
We’ve reached the point where my child is ready for a phone, but I’m worried about the thought of them being exposed to harmful content
Recent research by Vodafone found that getting a phone is a bigger deal for children than getting their first bicycle or pet, so it’s right for you to consider it a milestone, too. And don’t worry – you’re not alone – 36% of parents say choosing when to get their child their first phone is as hard as deciding on their school.
Clinical psychologist Dr Elly Hanson says: “Getting a phone is like being handed a portal to another world in some ways, and with that, comes the good, the bad and the ugly. This is a key moment for parents to start having some important conversations around healthy online habits and behaviour, and about what to do if they see things that make them feel uncomfortable.
“Given the various risks and harms, I believe 12 years old is too young for children to have social media. If children get a phone at this age, it’s worth considering a basic phone which can be used for texting and calling but doesn’t have the ability to download apps, or parents can agree with their children some apps but not social media. Sometimes parents worry that their child might be the only one without a smart phone or social media, but reaching out to other parents can reveal that others are feeling the same way and then there’s the opportunity to create a collective delay.”
Should I lay down some ground rules?
Many parents have taken to drawing up family phone contracts, and while Hanson says the idea might make your child cringe, it can be a great way of getting boundaries in place from the start, such as no phones in bedrooms, or parents having to approve the download of new apps.
“It’s far harder to bring in boundaries retrospectively – it can be done, but you’re potentially in for a lot more conflict,” she says. Making a Digital Family Pledge at the outset can help you build an agreement around phone use that suits your family.
There are also practical defences you can put in place to try and keep harmful content at bay. “You want to make sure that parental controls are switched on with both your home broadband provider and your child’s mobile network,” says Hanson. “Make sure their phone is set up as a ‘child’s phone’ – this is especially important if they’re being given an old handset that previously belonged to an adult.”
Can I make individual apps safer?
“Most apps have wellbeing settings, but it’s a case of finding them – it’s not always easy,” says Kate Edwards, associate head of child safety online at the NSPCC. For example, if you’re worried about endless scrolling, you can go into YouTube and switch off the autoplay function. Or in WhatsApp, you can adjust the setting to ensure that your teenager can’t be added into any group chat and they have to actively join instead.
Together, Vodafone and the NSPCC have created the NSPCC toolkit that aims to help parents, carers and children navigate the online world for the first time together, from safe phone use through to online safety going forward.
When it comes to being served videos and posts on social media, there is often a function to “dislike” or “hide” what you see, so encourage your child to do this if they are shown anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. This should teach the algorithm to show them less of this type of content.
“Try going into the apps and exploring them together with your child,” says Edwards. “If your child is included in the process of putting those controls in place, you might be met with less resistance.”
I didn’t put any rules in place and now we’re having lots of arguments over screen time. Have I left it too late?
It’s never too late, but you have a better chance of changing a young person’s habits if you involve them in the conversation, says Edwards. “Often, when I speak to children, they feel like they’re having rules imposed on them, or being told they can’t go on their devices while witnessing their parents being on their phones a lot – that can be very contradictory.”
Hanson agrees, saying that the best thing you can do as a parent is to be honest about how you face similar struggles. “We know that we can lose children when they start to feel preached at. The reality is that we’re all struggling with things like screen time and social media, so it can be powerful to own that and to model that struggle for our children.” An honest conversation can open the door to you implementing healthier online habits together.
My child is getting sucked into social media and has become overly self-critical. What should I do?
Having frequent conversations about social media and how it can lead us to negatively compare ourselves and our lives is really important, says Edwards.
“So much of what we see in these spaces isn’t a true representation – either because it’s been filtered, or it’s just a snapshot of someone’s day. People often don’t share the bad, they only share the good.”
As grownups, we know this, but to a younger person who is discovering social media for the first time, while in the throes of adolescence, it’s vital to make it clear that what they’re seeing is not always real.
If I discover my child is being bullied online, what should I do?
While you can straightforwardly block and report a harmful stranger online, it can feel less easy for a child to take this route when the person is in their class or community, says Edwards. “First and foremost, speak to the child about the steps they would like you to take, and then speak to the school, youth club, or whatever the link is, so that you can get support.”
I’ve read stories in the media about children sharing nude pictures and also the risk of ‘sextortion’. How can I protect my child from that?
Having worked at the Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre, Hanson says she’s seen many cases of “sextortion” – a form of blackmail whereby a criminal threatens to share nude or sexual images, in order to extract money or more images. “The impact is just dire. Your whole world becomes narrowed around this threat, and it’s a very lonely, bleak and terrifying place to be.”
For that reason, Hanson says that it’s vital to have conversations about image sharing, but the discussion needn’t be overly frightening. “You can make the simple point that there are people online who are not who they say they are. And that their business model is based on getting you to send them a picture they can then use against you.”
Hanson says another helpful strategy is to base the conversation on a friend. “So, if your child says: ‘I would never do that,’ you can sidestep and say: ‘You might not, but this could be happening to one of your friends, so I want to talk to you about it so you can be on the lookout.’”
How can I make sure my child comes to me if something bad is happening to them online?
“We know that so often children don’t speak up because they are worried about being blamed,” says Hanson. “So, I would urge parents to say to their child: ‘If you do something online that’s risky, and then something bad happens, please come to me and I will never blame you. I will only be focused on how you are and keeping you safe.’”
As for next steps, if you or your child comes across something abusive or upsetting online, check out the NSPCC’s guidance on how to report different types of harmful content.
Some of the themes are so dark and dangerous – I feel overwhelmed at the thought of tackling them with my child
“The startling statistics that we see every year around harm online means none of us can shy away from important conversations,” says Edwards. “We all have a role to play in better equipping children with the knowledge they need – not only about the risks but also about their right to safety, and where they can go to for support. The important thing is to be age and stage appropriate.”
For help with appropriate language and examples to use, visit Childline’s online safety pages, which are written for a younger audience.
Edwards stresses that parents aren’t expected to hold scary online safety summits with their children. “When it comes to talking about these issues, little and often is far more powerful,” she says.
