Here’s Why Unrealistic Expectations Are Prohibiting Your Success

Being a high achiever at work is often synonymous with high standards. High standards set precedents like “I expect to be treated with respect.” But too often, high standards are confused with unrealistic expectations. For example, a high standard might say, “People should care about how I’m feeling,” whereas an unrealistic expectation might say, “I expect them to read my mind and know how I’m feeling.”

Unrealistic expectations encompass many areas—from body image to work to relationships. However, unrealistic expectations set unattainable standards, add to stress, demand instant success, or expect constant validation. And they drastically interfere with your ability to pursue what matters most. For example, if you hold on to an unrealistic expectation that you must be perfect at your job, you may not take risks that might help you grow in your career.

Rest assured that it’s normal to have unrealistic expectations. Miranda Morris, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, says, “The biggest unrealistic expectation is that people shouldn’t have unrealistic expectations—it’s part of the human experience.”

But holding on to them might not be beneficial. Here’s why unrealistic expectations are prohibiting you from success and how to overcome them.

The “Why” Behind Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations are those we set for ourselves (or others) that are improbable or unattainable. These expectations often stem from social pressures, comparison, or idealized notions of success.

Often, a mirage—unrealistic expectations can promise instant gratification or entice you with perfection. And letting go of them can be difficult. This is particularly true if you’re inclined to set high standards masked as unrealistic expectations for yourself. You might think these unachievable goals will motivate you and inspire action. Or you may worry that not setting high expectations might mean you are “lazy” or lack goal-setting skills.

But setting unrealistic expectations can have significant impacts on your overall well-being, including:

• Burnout
• Emotional distress and dissatisfaction
• Fear of failure and avoidance
• Low self-esteem and self-worth
• Relationship strain
• Stress

“Unrealistic expectations are potentially damaging because they set us and others up for failure,” says Selena C. Snow, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist. “When we or someone else naturally falls short, we draw false conclusions, feel difficult feelings, and act in unhelpful ways.”

Motivation Theory And Human Behavior

It might not be enough to identify why we have unrealistic expectations. You must also understand “how” motivation shapes your expectations.

There are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic motivation (like personal satisfaction) comes from within, while extrinsic motivation arises from external factors (like money and recognition.)

Researchers have developed various ways to explain how we become motivated with these motivational theories.

• Instinct motivation theory: Developed through evolutionary programming, instinct theory relates to instinctual behavior, suggesting motivation is developed through evolutionary programming.
• Drive motivation theory suggests that motivation derives from your desire to reduce internal tension that develops when your needs aren’t met. Drive motivation theory helps explain behaviors originating from biological or physiological needs (like hunger and thirst.)
• Arousal motivation theory: If arousal gets low, this theory suggests you seek activities that make you feel more energized. On the contrary, if arousal is too high, you are motivated toward activities that relax the body and mind.
• Humanistic motivation theory follows Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs theory, suggesting that people are motivated to fulfill basic psychological needs before self-actualization needs.
• Incentive theory: The incentive theory suggests people are motivated by external (extrinsic) rewards.
• Expectancy motivation theory: Sometimes referred to as the valence-instrumental theory, the expectancy motivation theory suggests that when you think about the future, you formulate outcomes accordingly.

Research also suggests three primary factors influence motivation: environment, past experiences, and physiological state. The amygdala —the part of the brain responsible for processing fear, emotions, and motivation—strongly influences all of these because it activates nerve cells, increasing reward motivation's strength.

Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations create a constant sense of inadequacy and hinder personal growth. Recognizing and addressing unrealistic expectations is crucial for maintaining mental well-being. Experts suggest these techniques to identify and challenge unrealistic expectations.

• Self-reflection and awareness: Reflect on your expectations and examine their origin. Are they helping or hindering you? It might be time to reconsider your expectations if they aren’t improving your happiness or motivating you as intended.
• Progress, not perfection: Cultivating a progress-over-perfection mindset helps you see growth as a journey. This makes it okay to make mistakes, making it easier to release resistance and self-doubt and take action.
• Compassion and acceptance: Embrace your imperfections and understand that setbacks are a natural part of life. Compassion and acceptance alleviate the pressures we tend to put on ourselves.

Lastly, if you wouldn’t hold a friend, family member, or co-worker to a similar level of expectation, avoid holding yourself to one. Snow says she uses this technique to help her clients. “Usually, my clients will say something far more reasonable, realistic, and measured to someone else than they say to themselves. I encourage them to say something realistic and self-compassionate to themselves,” Snow says.

Heather Cherry is a copywriter, journalist, and health coach. She creates strategic, conversational content and helps people overcome barriers. She is the author of Market Your A$$ Off .

By WomensMedia, Contributor